it seems like every time i turn around someone somewhere is telling me to be something i don't want to be. who the hell decided that because i'm good at math i should be an engineer or an accountant or a teacher or ...

i hate math. i can solve complex mathematical proofs in my head if i close my eyes and imagine the numbers and variables. i can do it without ever touching pencil to paper. did i mention that i hate it?

every time one of my friends has a problem with their computer they call me. usually it's something stupid that's fixable with the click of a button but they all say how good i am with computers. i hate computers. they're so ... impersonal. ha! coming from the girl that would've given up her entire life just to run away to new zealand for a man she'd never been in the same room with before. but that's a different rant.

i took a single photo class in high school and made a bathroom into a dark room. everyone loves my black and whites. i think they suck.

i am my own worst critic. all these things that people think i'm good at i could never make a living out of. well, except for the math thing but that's also the one thing i don't want to do anymore. i want to take something i completely suck at and force myself to excell.

i want to do something creative. i want to do something that helps people. i want to marry a rich man so i can stay at home and make beautiful pieces of art, sell them, and give all the money away to some just and noble cause.

it's too bad my best art has been sketches on denny's restaurant napkins and in the form of bent spoons and forks. i am the ultimate folk artist who never gets her lucky break. i accidently folded my movie theater ticket into a miniature frog the other day without realising it as i stood in line and ended up forcing the people behind me to wait while i unfolded it so i could show it to the theater guy. i am an absent minded artist and i will never be anything more because i am just too damned afraid of failure. no. i'm too scared to even try.

people are always asking if i have any new photos. i don't. i haven't seen anything worth taking pictures of in the last ... i have no idea ... year ... because i can't see the beauty in anything anymore. i read "diary" by chuck palahniuk a little while back and good lord do i know how that woman felt. minus the attraction to shiney things. i can't remember the exact quote but it's something like this: what they never tell you in art school is never to tell people you're going to be an artist.

----

before - random - after