had the day off. did absolutely nothing. went to hug him in the parking lot and caught my shirt sleeve on his gun in the back of his pants. it really bothers me that he has to wear it when he's off duty. i'm not sure why. it's like i wish it could be this seperate life of his that has nothing to do with me. i wish he could just be a cop and i didn't have to worry about it ever. i wish i didn't have to check the gun safe every morning because i'm scared to death that it'll accidentally be unlocked and my kid will find it. he wants to work the night shift so he'll actually be doing some good and not just arresting drunken hobos. i don't want to sleep in an empty bed every night. no, scratch that. i won't be sleeping in an empty bed every night. i'll be laying there trying not to fall asleep so i'll be awake when he gets home and i know he's not bleeding to death somewhere. i talk a lot of shit about him sometimes. most of it's just jokes but when it comes down to it at the end of the day nothing beats being tangled in the sheets with someone you love ... even if that someone grinds his teeth and snores like a friggin tugboat. i have been to more funerals than i can count on one hand. i am terrified of losing him. absolutely terrified. i love you.

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