talked to him for the first time in almost five months. i think. i don't know how long it's been. a record for me. not talking to him for that long. it didn't last. we asked how the other person was doing. he asked about my insides. then he had to go.

i miss him. i miss his voice. not the accent. well, yeah, that too. i'm a sucker. mostly though i miss his laugh. i miss talking to him on the phone in the middle of the night and being so tired i'd start babbling about nonsense. i miss him. i don't miss "us". that was all a lie. we both knew it but we both pretended we didn't. i don't miss that. what i miss is how playful he used to be. we used to talk about everything. we used to joke all the time. he used to tell me about his friends. his family. his job. his fucking cats. now all i get are one word responses to direct questions. now i feel like i'm just bothering him. wasting his time. his indifference and lack of enthusiasm hurts more than anything.

you'd think that thirty some odd lines on a monitor couldn't possibly hurt this much.

then again ... i would think that wouldn't i.

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before - random - after